Monday, August 31, 2015

Words, Words, Twaddle, 14



(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Rue Brick

I know that “rubric” is a word
That’s popular these jaded days
When much we say is so absurd
And English, in its dying haze,

Well knows it’s lost the language war
And has surrendered all its all
To those who favor keeping score.
And now we see the somber pall

Drift down to cover up the corpse
That once held such a healthy soul.
Our language now distorts and warps,
And we must pay a dreadful toll.

Below the rubric of regret
Write, “Clarity in English Prose”—
Then try your utmost to forget—
And find a way to plug your nose.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Words, Words, Twaddle, 13


(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Synergy Bar

I kind of liked it—“synergy”—
At least at first I kind of did.
But then it came to grate on me,
And now I think we should forbid

Its use—except for scientists,
Who need it. But the rest of us?
We don’t. And I will use my fists
Against offenders—and I’ll cuss

A bit while doing so. Perhaps
I’ll even key your precious car.
Or catch your pets in painful traps.
(I know: That’s going much too far.)

But there’s no problem, girls and boys—
There’s such a simple remedy:
Just quit that stupid wordy noise!
And stop the use of “synergy.”

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Words, Words, Twaddle, 12



(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

The Parent Trap

I don't like “parent” as a verb—
Or gerund (“parenting”). I wish
That we could find a way to curb
Them. I would really like to squish

The person who invented them
Beneath a pile of OEDs.
I'd flatten that damn her or him
Who took our language to its knees

By adding to it ugly words,
So ugly that they really hurt—
Like grafting skis on hummingbirds,
Or smearing Paul Cézannes with dirt. 

Friday, August 28, 2015

Words, Words, Twaddle, 11



(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Not-So-Blind Justice

I heard you say it—“breakout group.”
And I was sickened to the core—
As if I’d eaten mildewed soup—
Or slammed my fingers in the door.

Well, now for you I’ve got some news—
In fact, it’s something of a scoop:
You soon will sing some prison blues—
And maybe form a break-out group,

For I have found a willing judge
Who’ll send you up for decades, man.
He holds a long and bitter grudge
’Gainst all of those who seem to plan

To sully English for the rest—
Who clutter all with crass cliché.
We know incarceration’s best—
Perhaps you'll be released … one day?

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Words, Words, Twaddle, 10



(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

The Long View

You mentioned “helicopter view”
When we were in a mild debate.
It made me think of what I'd do—
Or, better yet, what I'd create

To cure you of infirmities—
Like saying “helicopter view.”
I'd coax you (by some slow degrees)
To some steep cliff-side rendezvous,

And then when once your back was turned,
I'd give a shove. Good-bye to you!
And thus your lesson would be learned—
And with a helicopter view!

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Words, Words, Twaddle, 9



(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Teeing Off

So, you’re a “mindset” kind of guy?
I somehow knew you that you would be.
So now I really have to try
To use your head for my next tee.

I'll place the ball upon your nose
(While you are lying on your back),
And my wild swing (a golfer knows)
Is sort of like a scythe attack.

My driver as it hits your head—
Will make a THOCK! they’ll hear for miles.
And you, of course, will be near-dead,
Your mindset there in shattered piles. 

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Words, Words, Twaddle, 8



(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Exit, pursued by a bear. (Shakespeare, The Winter’s Tale, 3.3)

You said it right in front of me—
You said it: “Exit strategy”—
As if a sweet epiphany
Arrived from heaven suddenly.

But here’s a warning (and it’s free)
About clichés and such debris:
I’ll slice you with a snickersnee—
Your final exit strategy.

And if you try to run from me,
I have a friend (oh, you will see!)
Who likes to dine on company—
A grizzly—such voracity!

So you will exit in a bear,
And though you’ll try a frantic prayer,
He’ll have you on his bill of fare,
For hungry bears just flat don’t care. 

Monday, August 24, 2015

Words, Words, Twaddle, 7



(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Boxes—Inside and Outside

You think you're such a clever fox,
Who always thinks “outside the box.”
Oh, I'll not pound your head with rocks,
But place you in a box with locks—

A lot of them. And in the ground
I'll bury you (you won't be found
No matter how folks search around,
No matter all the desperate sound

That you, confined, will try to make.)
“Outside the box””—your last mistake.
“Inside the box”—your home, opaque.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Words, Words, Twaddle, 6



We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

While the Iron Is Hot

So “branding” is your favorite term?
Oh, listen: What I say is true:
You use that term, I'll make you squirm—
With one HOT branding iron for you!

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Words, Words, Twaddle, 5



(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Shifty Guy

You think that I exaggerate
When I say it should be a crime
When you again expatiate
About a “shifting paradigm”?

Just go ahead and say it, fool—
Just say it straight into my face,
And I will tell my friend The Ghoul
Where he can find your resting place.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Words, Words, Twaddle, 4



(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

The Impact Effect

If you use “impact” for “affect,”
I've got a plan for you
Involving hungry cannibals,
A kettle of you-stew. 

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Words, Words, Twaddle, 3


(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Pole Dance

“Let's run it up the flagpole,” Ted
Declared with very eager face.  
I wouldn't like to see Ted dead,
But blast him with a spray of mace?

Yes, that's a punishment condign—
To spray right back what he has sprayed:
A toxic thing, a certain sign
His English language has decayed. 

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Words, Words, Twaddle, 2



(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Bad Sign

When I heard him say “signage,” well,
A thought raced through my head—
An epitaph: “He said that word,
And so I made him dead.”

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Words, Words, Twaddle



(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

1. Infernal Closure

So you're in love with “closure”? Well,
I have a wish for you—
In Hades that will find yourself,
Enclosed inside a zoo,

A zoo where hellish visitors
Will say, “We are not rude,
But we are glad that you have found
Eternal closure, dude.”

Monday, August 17, 2015

Fauna Foolery II, No. 50 (and Final!)



Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Fiery George

Young George was seeking much in life—
Adventure, Love, and All Things Fine.
He found Fine Things; he found a Wife—
And here came something draconine!

It breathed fierce fire from out its snout—
And when George asked, “Is Smaug your name?”
It roared, “That name I'll do without!”
So George dispatched it, gaining fame.

He was plain “George” before he slew
The dragon. People cheered (so quaint)
And honored George for his great coup,
Awarding him the title “Saint.”

And afterwards, throughout his life,
He’d also earned a name so fine.
Oh, he was proud of kids and wife
Of being called Sir Draconine!

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Fauna Foolery II, No. 49



Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Lost and Found

In the jungle, our hero (a dumbo, I fear)
Was in search of a fabled lost mine.
But he fell fast in love with a pachyderm, and
Their three kids all looked elephantine. 

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Fauna Foolery II, No. 48



Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Rascal Rabbit

My friend named Bugs—the strangest guy—
So bound by habit he
Ate carrots by the bushel and
Was just so … rabbity. 

Friday, August 14, 2015

Fauna Foolery II, No. 47



Animal adjectives we apply to people.

At Home with Petunia

Petunia’s home was such a sty—
She was no 50s sort of wife.
With husband, Porky—sloppy guy—
She lived a very swinish life. 

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Fauna Foolery II, No. 46



Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Rey’s Preferences

So Rey had some specific tastes
As he began to start to date:
Yes, reddish hair and slender waists:
He sought, you see, a foxy mate. 

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Fauna Foolery II, No. 45



Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Of a Different Stripe

Zeke had a certain stripe of thought
That flowed so freely, liberally.
Conservative he also bought
A zebrine personality!

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Fauna Foolery II: No. 44



Animal adjectives we apply to people.


Size Matters

Long I’ve been accused by folks of
Being somewhat wimpy—
All because I’m short, not tall—in
Fact, a little shrimpy.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Fauna Foolery II, No. 43



Animal adjectives we apply to people.

The Importance of Employing Situation-Appropriate Vocabulary

The wolf devoured the shepherd boy—
From feet to thighs to neck and head.
He’d cried, “A lupine thing!” Bad ploy.
He should have cried, “A wolf!” instead. 

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Fauna Foolery II, No. 41



Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Flipping Out

So Flip was angry with his folks—
He barked bad humor endlessly.
His mom said, “Quit those flipping jokes
“No phocine* humor works with me!”


*like a seal

Fauna Foolery II, No. 42



Animal adjectives we apply to people.


Mike Muffet’s Wish

Mike Muffet bought a tuffet,* for
His longest, fondest, secret wish—
Attract a woman, who, at core,
Was clever, leggy  … spiderish.


*a low stool

Friday, August 7, 2015

Fauna Foolery II, No. 40



Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Kerm’s Love


So Kerm had fallen so in love—
The way you read in romance books.
This Miss was all he daydreamed of
(Despite distinctive piggy looks).

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Fauna Foolery II, No. 39



Animal adjectives we apply to people.


Timid Tim

They knew that Tim was kind of shy—
At home, at work—well, anyplace.
He blushed at every passer-by
His desk. A pursely scarlet ovine face.*


*Ovine = like a sheep

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Fauna Foolery II, No. 38



Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Tranquil Tony

Old Tony was so mellow—all
He loved to do was sleep and fish.
His wife preferred a barroom brawl
And wished he were more tigerish. 

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Fauna Foolery II, No. 37



Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Goose on the Loose

Old Gandy walked much faster when
He felt he would be late.
But people on the street just howled
To see his goosey gait. 

Monday, August 3, 2015

Fauna Foolery II, No. 36



Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Lost Chance

So Liz and Dino met for drinks—
A hotel bar—Victorian.
It’s such a shame—in fact, it stinks—
That both of them looked saurian.

Their lizard tongues that lapped their booze—
So unappealing to the two,
So each went home, alone, to snooze,
And missed their chance for whoop-de-do. 

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Fauna Foolery II, No. 35



Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Rocky’s Ruminations

Poor Rocky was so lonely. He
Wished all his loneliness could end.
Old Bullwinkle? Too calm, you see,
So Rocky sought a squirrelly friend.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Fauna Foolery II, No. 34



Animal adjectives we apply to people.

I Ain't Lyin’

Old Bert was somewhat cowardly
And had a somewhat yellow spine.
But when he met his love? Dear me,
He roared—transformed! So leonine!