Fundamentals, 11

Paul’s Peril

So I heard that Paul Bunyan, once lost in the dark,

Ran and tripped on a newly cut stump.

And he flew through the air, and he twisted and turned,

And he landed ker-SPLAT on his rump. 

Fundamentals, 10

Billy the Baker?

So young Billy the Kid looked so sexy and cool

With his hat and his boots and his guns.

But I hear there were some in the opposite sex

Who were much more impressed with his buns. 

Fundamentals, 9

Ted’s Loves

Ted loved crackers—every kind, from

Graham to Ritz to Triscuit.

Also loved his girlfriend, from her

Lips to hips to biscuit. 

Fundamentals, 8

Naming Johnny

Johnny Appleseed sewed seeds, and

Hoped the ground had caught ’em.

Got his name the strangest way: He

Had an apple bottom.[1]

---

[1] Apple bottom = a round butt that sticks out. 

Fundamentals, 7

Tommy’s Terrific/Terrible Dream

In the night Tommy slept (oh, so soundly he slept!),

And he had a most comforting  dream.

Yes, he dreamed of a woman who was his ideal.

(But she spurned him: “Too wide in the beam.”) 

Fundamentals, 6

Tremendous Trane

The scientists had named him Trane—

He was a captured moose.

They were astounded by this Trane—

By his immense caboose. 

Fundamentals, 5

Devilish Danny

Yes, he was a dickens, was that

Little boy named Danny.

Father sometimes had to warm his

Little Danny's fanny.

Fundamentals, 4

Thomas’ Terror

Thomas freaked the other night: He

Found he had a cootie.

Tripped while running off for help and

Fell on his patootie. 

Fundamentals, 3

Toppled Tom

You should not run while blindfolded—

Tom knew but but did not care.

A patch of ice put careless Tom

Upon his derrière.

Fundamental, 2

Pat’s Problem

So Pat is running down the stairs—

He's always doing that.

But now he slips! He cries aloud!

He's landed on his prat!

Fundamental, 1

A series celebrating that part of us we don't ever really see ...

Dan’s Downfall

Whistling down the sidewalk, Dan was

Making plans for Easter.

Did not see banana peels and

Landed on his keister. 

Deathwords, C: The End, at Last, Arrives!

Dry Doggerelist

The poet, like a well, ran dry—

He could no more pretend.

Exhausting all his “Deathwords,” he

Had reached his journey’s end. 

Deathwords, XCIX

Dylan in the Dark

Of darkness Dylan was afraid—

He much preferred the light.

A fall into an open mine—

Not gentle—That Good Night.

Deathwords, XCVIII

Lorne's Last Call

Lorne loved to drink—there wasn't much

That he declined to swallow. 

He drank too much—met Odin then

In mythical Valhalla. 

Deathwords, XCVII

Artless Art

So Art, while battling Evil, had

To stop to have a yawn.

Then Evil struck! When Art woke up,

He was in Avalon. 

Deathwords, XCVI

Hank’s New Home

The builder (Hank) fell from the roof

And landed on poor Klaus.

Now each of them resides inside—

What’s called “a narrow house.”

Deathwords, XCV

The Final Flight of Elvis

Elvis ratted out his friends—his

Lies forever gilding.

Hurled from off the Empire State—thus

Elvis left the Building. 

Deathwords, XCIV

Clocked by the Rock

"Oh, Rocky, let's not fight—my hair

Must never get too mussed!”

Then Rocky hooked him with a left—

The Hair Guy bit the dust. 

Deathwords, XCIII

Conrad’s Comeuppance

So Conrad—he could operate.

He lied, he stole, he conned.

He ran a game on Al Capone—

Then found the Great Beyond. 

Deathwords, XCII

Terminal Thomas

Thomas loved his farming life—he

Loved to plow and harrow.

Fell into a chipper, though, so

Now he's bought the barrow.

Deathwords, XCI

Bea’s New Residence

Bea loved classic literature—her

Homer, Shakespeare, Milton.

Slain by a librarian! Next …

Horizontal Hilton.

Deathwords, XC

Vandy’s Dandy Village

Vandy kept expenses low—there

Was no local millage.

Taxes are no issue there in

His new Vermin Village. 

Deathwords, LXXXIX

Cam in a Jam

Old Cam the cobbler did not hear—

Or failed to heed the news.

He didn't pay protection, so

He's wearing concrete shoes. 

Deathwords, LXXXVIII

Period’s End

Willy Period (his name) has

Died, I fear—the bends. Will

Dived too deep—and far too fast—so

Now he lives in Endsville. 

Deathwords, LXXXVII

The Pioneer Meets His Last Mohican

Old Natty Bumppo’s slain his last—

You’ll not see him around.

He’s found the path that’s led him to

The Happy Hunting Ground. 

Deathwords, LXXXVI

Near Will’s Hamlet

Near the hamlet, Will fell far—he

Was high in the front tree.

He has solved the mystery—the

Undiscovered country. 

Deathwords, LXXXV

Hanging with Stu

From the haberdashery—with

Wicked laughs so hearty—

Vigilantes dragged poor Stu and

Had a necktie party.

Deathwords, LXXXIV

Casey Croaks

Casey—railroad engineer—will

Take no more vacation:

Texting while the train escaped—to

Termination Station. 

Deathwords, LXXXIII

Ranger Ranges Regrettably

The forest ranger (name was Rick)

Had tried to make his mark.

A grizzly ate him; now Rick works

Inside that too-dark park.

Deathwords, LXXXII

Grave Gerard

Gerard the plumber fears no job—

Astonishingly brave.

A sink falls on him from his truck—

He sinks into the grave. 

Deathwords, LXXXI

Lamar Loses

Lamar would wear such fancy duds—

He drank from Fashion’s cup.

A vicious tailor scissored him—

And now he lies toes up.