Chicken Big, 14

Frightening Doggerel

What the hell? hadephobia

He wasn’t feeling very well—

And feared he was about to die.

But even more: He thought of hell

(He was, you’ll see, that kind of guy).

The thought of burning frightened him.

The smell of sulphur made him sick.

He also knew his brother Jim

Would be there too—and pretty quick.

He didn’t like Jim—not at all.

The fear of Satan froze his heart.

(The thought of going made him bawl.)

Would demons eat him a la carte?

And so he tried another tack—

He’d really give it all he could.

He stored his evil out in back

And thought he'd try just being good.

Chicken Big, 13

Frightening Doggerel

Speak, Memory! Glossophobia

He hated public speaking class

But knew he really had to pass.

He felt entirely like an ass

When his turn came to rise and speak

(Which happened every single week),

He felt as if he were a freak

Now on display so kids could laugh.

He knew that on his epitaph

He’d picture there a large giraffe

Attempting to perform a speech,

A task that’s well beyond his reach.

He sighed. He cried. He thought of each

His failures. Then he scratched his head

And thought, while both his eyes turned red, 

At least no speaking when I'm dead!

Chicken Big, 12

Frightening Doggerel

Which Witch? goetophobia

He had a vicious, ceaseless itch.

A friend advised, “I know a witch”—

“Enough!” he cried. “There ain’t no way

That I will see a witch today—

Or any day. They freak me out!”—

Intensity that left no doubt

Of his sincere sincerity.

And so they dropped it, willingly.

But on and on the itch endured,

And he despaired of being cured.

At last on one depressing day

He simply scratched his skin away.

A witch appeared: “I'll not be rude.

My spells once could’ve cured this dude.”

But he was dead, without a breath,

And there’s no spell to cancel death. 

Chicken Big, 11

Frightening Doggerel

Old News: gerontophobia

Gerontophobia—the word

For fear of older folks—a fear,

Or so I’ve somewhat often heard,

The young possess. But those now near—

Or in that category—know

That fears like these are very weird,

For as this ditty now will show,

We’ll all become what we have feared.

The young will age (unless they die

Too soon), no matter what they say.

We’ll be the feared—yes, you and I.

It’s simply Mother Nature’s Way. 

Chicken Big, 10

Frightening Doggerel

Coldness: frigophobia

This polar bear was very weird.

Among the things he truly feared

Was cold. One day, he disappeared.

The bears all wondered where he'd gone.

His absence lingered on and on

Until the spring, when one bright dawn

He reappeared. His coat was tan.

Among his worried ursine clan

The word went out: “He’s been to Cannes!”

The bears then asked him (girls and guys)

About the glitter in his eyes.

“In Cannes,” he said, “I won a prize,

A film I’d made about the snow—

And temperatures too far below.

We’ll see it at the picture show!”

The other bears were happy now—

They knew that he’d been safe, somehow.

They clapped their paws; he took a bow.

Chicken Big, 9

Frightening Doggerel

Catty: felinophobia

He grew up so afraid of cats

He didn’t care that they killed rats.

While others played with cats for fun,

When one appeared, he had to run.

When he grew older, searched for love,

He had the scare I’ll tell you of.

Cat Woman saw him in the night

And gave him such an awful fright

He was not capable—yes, not—

Of seeing she was feline hot.

And so she left him, sad to say,

So Love, again, had stayed away. 

Chicken Big, 8

Frightening Doggerel

A Dull Boy: ergophobia

His colleagues thought he was a jerk,

And he was different—there's no doubt:

You see, he was afraid of work.

That’s what his weirdness was about.

He tried his best to conquer fear—

He tried some therapy and drugs 

But to his colleagues it was clear:

“This guy’s a rival of the slugs.”

The years went on—as did the fear.

And he did everything he could.

But with retirement drawing near,

His colleagues thought, This dude’s no good!

But at retirement he confessed

His struggles—all that he had feared.

His colleagues changed. “This guy’s the best!”

And all of them just stood and cheered. 

Chicken Big, 7

Frightening Doggerel

Don't Send in the Clowns: coulrophobia

They took him to the circus, where

He got so scared he gasped for air.

The clowns, especially, were grim—

Their ghastly faces frightened him.

His parents could not understand—

Why was their son now so unmanned?

They took him, screaming, from the tent—

Those seated near were glad they went.

So home they went, unhappy three,

This much unsettled family.

That night, the father, painted face,

Awoke his son, began to chase

The kid around the room—not nice.

The dad had hoped this would suffice

To straighten out his timid son,

But when the dad at last was done,

The kid picked up a baseball bat

And whacked the “clown.” A big ker-SPLAT!

And so the moral of this tale:

Don't scare your kid: He’ll not just wail.

So let kids fear. Relax. Just chill.

Or meet some wood from Louisville!