Words, Words, Twaddle, 14

(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Rue Brick

I know that “rubric” is a word

That’s popular these jaded days

When much we say is so absurd

And English, in its dying haze,

Well knows it’s lost the language war

And has surrendered all its all

To those who favor keeping score.

And now we see the somber pall

Drift down to cover up the corpse

That once held such a healthy soul.

Our language now distorts and warps,

And we must pay a dreadful toll.

Below the rubric of regret

Write, “Clarity in English Prose”—

Then try your utmost to forget—

And find a way to plug your nose.

Words, Words, Twaddle, 13

(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Synergy Bar

I kind of liked it—“synergy”—

At least at first I kind of did.

But then it came to grate on me,

And now I think we should forbid

Its use—except for scientists,

Who need it. But the rest of us?

We don’t. And I will use my fists

Against offenders—and I’ll cuss

A bit while doing so. Perhaps

I’ll even key your precious car.

Or catch your pets in painful traps.

(I know: That’s going much too far.)

But there’s no problem, girls and boys—

There’s such a simple remedy:

Just quit that stupid wordy noise!

And stop the use of “synergy.”

Words, Words, Twaddle, 12

(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

The Parent Trap

I don't like “parent” as a verb—

Or gerund (“parenting”). I wish

That we could find a way to curb

Them. I would really like to squish

The person who invented them

Beneath a pile of OEDs.

I'd flatten that damn her or him

Who took our language to its knees

By adding to it ugly words,

So ugly that they really hurt—

Like grafting skis on hummingbirds,

Or smearing Paul Cézannes with dirt. 

Words, Words, Twaddle, 11

(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Not-So-Blind Justice

I heard you say it—“breakout group.”

And I was sickened to the core—

As if I’d eaten mildewed soup—

Or slammed my fingers in the door.

Well, now for you I’ve got some news—

In fact, it’s something of a scoop:

You soon will sing some prison blues—

And maybe form a break-out group,

For I have found a willing judge

Who’ll send you up for decades, man.

He holds a long and bitter grudge

’Gainst all of those who seem to plan

To sully English for the rest—

Who clutter all with crass cliché.

We know incarceration’s best—

Perhaps you'll be released … one day?

Words, Words, Twaddle, 10

(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

The Long View

You mentioned “helicopter view”

When we were in a mild debate.

It made me think of what I'd do—

Or, better yet, what I'd create

To cure you of infirmities—

Like saying “helicopter view.”

I'd coax you (by some slow degrees)

To some steep cliff-side rendezvous,

And then when once your back was turned,

I'd give a shove. Good-bye to you!

And thus your lesson would be learned—

And with a helicopter view!

Words, Words, Twaddle, 9

(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Teeing Off

So, you’re a “mindset” kind of guy?

I somehow knew you that you would be.

So now I really have to try

To use your head for my next tee.

I'll place the ball upon your nose

(While you are lying on your back),

And my wild swing (a golfer knows)

Is sort of like a scythe attack.

My driver as it hits your head—

Will make a THOCK! they’ll hear for miles.

And you, of course, will be near-dead,

Your mindset there in shattered piles. 

Words, Words, Twaddle, 8

(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Exit, pursued by a bear. (Shakespeare, The Winter’s Tale, 3.3)

You said it right in front of me—

You said it: “Exit strategy”—

As if a sweet epiphany

Arrived from heaven suddenly.

But here’s a warning (and it’s free)

About clichés and such debris:

I’ll slice you with a snickersnee—

Your final exit strategy.

And if you try to run from me,

I have a friend (oh, you will see!)

Who likes to dine on company—

A grizzly—such voracity!

So you will exit in a bear,

And though you’ll try a frantic prayer,

He’ll have you on his bill of fare,

For hungry bears just flat don’t care. 

Words, Words, Twaddle, 7

(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Boxes—Inside and Outside

You think you're such a clever fox,

Who always thinks “outside the box.”

Oh, I'll not pound your head with rocks,

But place you in a box with locks—

A lot of them. And in the ground

I'll bury you (you won't be found

No matter how folks search around,

No matter all the desperate sound

That you, confined, will try to make.)

“Outside the box””—your last mistake.

“Inside the box”—your home, opaque.

Words, Words, Twaddle, 6

We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

While the Iron Is Hot

So “branding” is your favorite term?

Oh, listen: What I say is true:

You use that term, I'll make you squirm—

With one HOT branding iron for you!

Words, Words, Twaddle, 5

(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Shifty Guy

You think that I exaggerate

When I say it should be a crime

When you again expatiate

About a “shifting paradigm”?

Just go ahead and say it, fool—

Just say it straight into my face,

And I will tell my friend The Ghoul

Where he can find your resting place.

Words, Words, Twaddle, 4

(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

The Impact Effect

If you use “impact” for “affect,”

I've got a plan for you

Involving hungry cannibals,

A kettle of you-stew. 

Words, Words, Twaddle, 3

(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Pole Dance

“Let's run it up the flagpole,” Ted

Declared with very eager face.  

I wouldn't like to see Ted dead,

But blast him with a spray of mace?

Yes, that's a punishment condign—

To spray right back what he has sprayed:

A toxic thing, a certain sign

His English language has decayed. 

Words, Words, Twaddle, 2

(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

Bad Sign

When I heard him say “signage,” well,

A thought raced through my head—

An epitaph: “He said that word,

And so I made him dead.”

Words, Words, Twaddle

(We all dislike/hate certain words and locutions; here are some of mine.)

1. Infernal Closure

So you're in love with “closure”? Well,

I have a wish for you—

In Hades that will find yourself,

Enclosed inside a zoo,

A zoo where hellish visitors

Will say, “We are not rude,

But we are glad that you have found

Eternal closure, dude.”

Fauna Foolery II, No. 50 (and Final!)

Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Fiery George

Young George was seeking much in life—

Adventure, Love, and All Things Fine.

He found Fine Things; he found a Wife—

And here came something draconine!

It breathed fierce fire from out its snout—

And when George asked, “Is Smaug your name?”

It roared, “That name I'll do without!”

So George dispatched it, gaining fame.

He was plain “George” before he slew

The dragon. People cheered (so quaint)

And honored George for his great coup,

Awarding him the title “Saint.”

And afterwards, throughout his life,

He’d also earned a name so fine.

Oh, he was proud of kids and wife

Of being called Sir Draconine!

Fauna Foolery II, No. 49

Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Lost and Found

In the jungle, our hero (a dumbo, I fear)

Was in search of a fabled lost mine.

But he fell fast in love with a pachyderm, and

Their three kids all looked elephantine. 

Fauna Foolery II, No. 48

Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Rascal Rabbit

My friend named Bugs—the strangest guy—

So bound by habit he

Ate carrots by the bushel and

Was just so … rabbity. 

Fauna Foolery II, No. 47

Animal adjectives we apply to people.

At Home with Petunia

Petunia’s home was such a sty—

She was no 50s sort of wife.

With husband, Porky—sloppy guy—

She lived a very swinish life. 

Fauna Foolery II, No. 46

Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Rey’s Preferences

So Rey had some specific tastes

As he began to start to date:

Yes, reddish hair and slender waists:

He sought, you see, a foxy mate. 

Fauna Foolery II, No. 45

Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Of a Different Stripe

Zeke had a certain stripe of thought

That flowed so freely, liberally.

Conservative he also bought

A zebrine personality!

Fauna Foolery II: No. 44

Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Size Matters

Long I’ve been accused by folks of

Being somewhat wimpy—

All because I’m short, not tall—in

Fact, a little shrimpy.

Fauna Foolery II, No. 43

Animal adjectives we apply to people.

The Importance of Employing Situation-Appropriate Vocabulary

The wolf devoured the shepherd boy—

From feet to thighs to neck and head.

He’d cried, “A lupine thing!” Bad ploy.

He should have cried, “A wolf!” instead. 

Fauna Foolery II, No. 41

Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Flipping Out

So Flip was angry with his folks—

He barked bad humor endlessly.

His mom said, “Quit those flipping jokes—

“No phocine* humor works with me!”

*like a seal

Fauna Foolery II, No. 42

Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Mike Muffet’s Wish

Mike Muffet bought a tuffet,* for

His longest, fondest, secret wish—

Attract a woman, who, at core,

Was clever, leggy  … spiderish.

*a low stool

Fauna Foolery II, No. 40

Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Kerm’s Love

So Kerm had fallen so in love—
The way you read in romance books.
This Miss was all he daydreamed of

(Despite distinctive piggy looks).

Fauna Foolery II, No. 39

Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Timid Tim

They knew that Tim was kind of shy—

At home, at work—well, anyplace.

He blushed at every passer-by

His desk. A pursely scarlet ovine face.*

*Ovine = like a sheep

Fauna Foolery II, No. 38

Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Tranquil Tony

Old Tony was so mellow—all

He loved to do was sleep and fish.

His wife preferred a barroom brawl

And wished he were more tigerish. 

Fauna Foolery II, No. 37

Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Goose on the Loose

Old Gandy walked much faster when

He felt he would be late.

But people on the street just howled

To see his goosey gait. 

Fauna Foolery II, No. 36

Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Lost Chance

So Liz and Dino met for drinks—

A hotel bar—Victorian.

It’s such a shame—in fact, it stinks—

That both of them looked saurian.

Their lizard tongues that lapped their booze—

So unappealing to the two,

So each went home, alone, to snooze,

And missed their chance for whoop-de-do. 

Fauna Foolery II, No. 35

Animal adjectives we apply to people.

Rocky’s Ruminations

Poor Rocky was so lonely. He

Wished all his loneliness could end.

Old Bullwinkle? Too calm, you see,

So Rocky sought a squirrelly friend.

Fauna Foolery II, No. 34

Animal adjectives we apply to people.

I Ain't Lyin’

Old Bert was somewhat cowardly

And had a somewhat yellow spine.

But when he met his love? Dear me,

He roared—transformed! So leonine!