Computer Howl: Monday

Computer Howl: Monday

It happened once again today:

Computer up and quit,

While I, enraged, cried to the gods,

“What’s with this piece of ****!?”

My Gmail failed to work at all;

The other programs slowed,

And soon my hoary handsome head

Was ready to explode.

So off I went—yes, once again!—

Repair shop, here I come,

The wounded laptop in my arms …

Oh, what would be the sum

I’d have to pay for surgery?

(My thoughts were drear and rank.)

I hoped repairs were simple—that

They would not break the bank.

Oh, if I didn’t need that thing,

That laptop—what an if!—

I’d take it out to Yellowstone and

Hurl it off a cliff!

And those who send out viruses?

And malware and the lot?

They’ve got a reservation for

A place that’s very hot.

You seem so wired—yes this so,

And though I hope the answer’s “no,”

Some friends suspect you’re doing blow—

Which could be true, for aught I know. 

Shakespeare Couplet:  Romeo and Juliet (11)

“It is an honor that I dream not of,”

Says Juliet of marriage—what of love? (1.3)

Workout Woman

Workout Woman

My Workout Woman’s up each dawn

Before the eastern sun.

She gathers all she'll need today—

Leaves not a thing undone.

She creeps downstairs—I'm still abed,

So she attempts to be

As silent as is possible,

Descends so quietly. 

I hear her open-close the door

As she heads on outside.

The plop of papers on the porch—

My eyes are open wide.

She starts the car, backs down the drive,

Then zooms off to the club—

While I am sort of still asleep—

Aye, “sort of”—there's the rub.

My Workout Woman’s on the way

To do her lifts and laps—

While I, a slothful slug-a-bed,

Will sleep some more perhaps.

But soon, too soon, the Cricket

Chirps (that's Jiminy, you know)—

He's telling me Get out of bed!

You pudgy sourdough!

So out I crawl—reluctantly.

Ablutions then perform,

And think the while of comforters,

So thick and oh so warm!

I hear my Workout Woman come

Inside the door again.

She's home from her exertions now—

My face still creased with sin.

Oh, Mr. Realtor, I am not

All that particular,

But this new house is—just a bit—

Too slantindicular.

Shakespeare Couplet:  Romeo and Juliet (10)

“Enough of this, I pray thee hold thy peace.”
The mother wishes from the Nurse release! (1.3)

Mark It

Mark It

It's market day out on the Green.

A cooler day, a busy scene.

The Amish huddle in the cold.

A cooler day, so little sold.

They wear their customary dress—

With no intention to impress.

Some shoppers wear designer clothes—

With labels everybody knows.

The Amish look with cryptic eyes,

Their main concern—the lowering skies.

The shoppers squeeze the fruit they find—

You must not buy the spoiling kind.

Dissatisfied with Nature’s flaws,

They move along to other stalls.

The Amish keep their faces plain.

They're not, they know, in their domain.

I'm heading home, just passing through.

A tourist’s evanescent view.

Above our house, in rising wind,

A struggling hawk I apprehend.

He soon surrenders in the fight,

Allows the wind to guide his flight.

He's soaring sideways overhead,

A raptor—creature born of dread.

Below him is the marketplace.

He swoops beyond with Nature’s grace.

A flash of sun—his feathers gleam.

Yes, hawks are always what they seem.

1. Dumb …

The cowboy tried so valiantly

To turn the big stampede,

But he could not convince the cows

To stop and retrocede.

2. ... and Dumber

He bought some ancient Aztec grain—

Sufficient for his need.

He dug up all his newer corn,

Commenced to retrocede. 

Shakespeare Couplet:  Romeo and Juliet (9)

The Nurse and Lady Capulet agree:

Fair Juliet is young—thirteen is she. (1.3)

Paul Theroux, the Absent-Minded Baker

Paul Theroux, the Absent-Minded Baker

On Thursday night—here’s what we’d planned to do:

An Akron speech by writer Paul Theroux.

We drove to Akron’s E. J. Thomas Hall,

Which was not all that crowded—not at all.

We found some seats—and saved one for our son,

Who found us well before it had begun.

Theroux came on—and there on his lapel,

An Akron symbol known so very well:

He wore the fabled Akron kangaroo—

Oh, such a frisky spirit, Paul Theroux.

Theroux—whose novels and whose other books

I’ve read for years—kept giving awkward looks

Down at the podium—and at the crowd—

As if a thick and mystifying cloud

Somehow obscured his view of us and of

The words he sought. He sometimes looked above—

As if the words he’d planned to say had flown

Out of his mind and left him all alone

There on the stage. He managed now and then

To coax some words back to his mind. And when

He did, he quickly uttered them before

They flew again. He spoke an hour or more,

And during the question period, I slipped out

(What was I up to? Is there any doubt!

I hoped to be the first there in the line

When he came out and sat, began to sign

For those who’d brought some books along for that.)

I was the first—few others to combat

For primacy. I’m skilled at such. You knew?

So I was first in line for Paul Theroux,

Who seemed a bit surprised at what I’d brought—

Some books from 1980 (I have got

A lot from decades past. A bookish nerd

Am I, in love with evanescent words.

We drove home in the dark. Along the way

We smelled a local bakery’s bouquet,

The fragrance of tomorrow’s loaves of bread,

Aromas that drew memories from my head

And made me smile. For then I thought of books—

And of their writers, who resemble cooks:

Concoctions and confections don’t just please:

They keep alive our minds and memories. 

He stood there with a lot of poise—

He had a lot of weight to hoise—

A massive bag he’d stuffed with toys

For all the little girls and boys.

And Romeo says he will go along—

And sets the stage for all that will go wrong. (1.2) 

Nutty Squirrel

Nutty Squirrel

A nut in mouth, the squirrel hops

Across our lawn in back.

He pauses intermittently

There in his hip-hop track.

We almost overhear his mind

As he deliberates.

Is this the place to bury this?

Oh, tell me please, you Fates!

He stops a dozen times or more,

Traversing all our yard,

And seems consumed entirely by

This question grave and hard.

And then—at last!—he finds a spot

That’s perfect in his mind

And paws and digs and buries with

The prowess of his kind.

Then off he goes in search of more,

Exploring favorite sites—

Preparing for that certain day

When bitter Winter bites.

And so I ask: Would he prefer

To winter in the South

Instead of hopeful hopping with

A chestnut in his mouth?

The umbra of the ancient tree

Sustains and coolly comforts me.

Shakespeare Couplet:  Romeo and Juliet (7):

The Montagues devise an evening’s fun:

They'll crash a party—there, some hearts are won. (1.2) 

Morning Funk

Morning Funk

This morning when I went outside—

And no, I was not drunk—

I realized we'd had a guest:

A most mephitic skunk.

I'm not sure what it was that caused

The skunk to fire away,

But he had given to our house

His best malodorous spray.

I'm sure it kept him safe last night—

No enemy can stand

Too many whiffs of such a scent

From such a fetid gland.

In future days I hope that skunk—

If he can think ahead—

Will skip our yard and powerwash

The neighbors’ house instead

Because you do bamboozle me,

It causes me to foozle, see?

Shakespeare Couplet:  Romeo and Juliet (6):

So Paris comes to court young Juliet,

But what he wants is not what he will get. (1.2)

Shakespeare Inside

On Shakespeare

So he was born in 1564.

Shall I continue? Tell a few things more?

I was not really any Shakespeare fan

Back in my youth when all of this began.

Wherever Shakespeare was—I wanted out

Because he bored me stiff (there is no doubt).

I now suppose it wasn’t all his fault

That I preferred a double chocolate malt.

I read the Bard awhile—for many years—

And, lately, realize the laughs, the tears,

'Do guarantee he hasn’t any peers.

I copied your arithmetic

I know—a bit impolitic.

Shakespeare Couplet:  Romeo and Juliet (5):

“My child is but a stranger in the world,”

Says Capulet—her flag's not yet unfurled. (1.2)