Mainly Mania, 2

(obsession doggerel)

Bookie: bibliomania

Oh, many praised her—all the time.

They praised her mind and looks.

But all she really cared about?

Her shelves all crammed with books.

Her floors were covered with the things—

And every surface, too.

Her bed, her tables, countertops

Were piled with volumes, all askew.

One day a towering pile of books

Tipped over on her head.

The coroner declared his view—

'Twas knowledge made her dead. 

Mainly Mania, 1

I'm commencing a new series today--ditties about the various mania that, well, obsess us.

(obsession doggerel)

Flower Power: anthomania

Oh, you could say she loved her plants—

Much more than she loved both her aunts.

She wed herself unto a rose—

A little weird, the wise one knows.

But there’s no need to make a fuss:

She always was a prickly cuss. 

Cavalcade of Cliché, 51

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Zipped Up

She was a gifted seamstress, and

I thought we were joined at the hip

She thought I talked too much (unplanned!),

And so one day she zipped my lip.

When I woke up, I tried to talk,

But both my lips were zippered shut.

About the case I could not squawk—

For what was next? My you-know-what?

So now when she allows me words,

She pulls the zipper on my lips,

Then zips it shut (a cage for birds!?),

And so began my talk’s eclipse. 

Cavalcade of Cliché, 50

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Goosed

“Oh, sir, no feathered pets allowed—

Not in the restaurant.”

“But we’re from out of town,” he said—

“A special kind of jaunt.”

“We’ll keep your pet there in the back,”

She said, “until you’re done.”

“Okay,” he said, “I’ll go with that—

Though it won’t be as fun.”

The meal was fine, the service great—

No portion overlooked.

But then he heard, “Oh, sir—too bad:

I fear your goose is cooked!”

Cavalcade of Cliché, 49

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Cold as Hell

So when Hell freezes over, the pundits declare,

Many kinds of bad things will exist everywhere.

Mississippi will vote for a Democrat—wow!

Yes, and Oregon votes for the GOP—now!

And all children will listen to parents again,

And no Congressman, ever, will rail about sin.

In the Super Bowl, Browns! Once again they will reign!

And the Tribe wins the Series! Oh, the end of our pain!

And we all get along—yes, authentically well.

And we all owe it all to a hard-frozen Hell!

Cavalcade of Cliché,48

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Prom King (note the irony)

So “a virgin on prom night”—a saying I’ve heard

Means a number of things (or so I have inferred).

It can mean basic innocence—naïveté.

Can describe someone who just does not know The Way.

But I think of myself at my very first prom

When I borrowed the car from my dad and my mom.

And so off I then drove in mysterious night,

Where I found I could not do a single thing right.

Oh, now don’t get all filthy—or picture the worst:

I was just a dumb kid—and this prom was my first.

I could not dance too well—nor converse worth a hoot;

I was awkward and foolish and clueless to boot.

And so I remained (a forgettable date!)

A sad teen—with no hope for true love on his plate. 

Cavalcade of Cliché, 47

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Cowboy

She just could not convince her man

To travel round the earth.

He always had excuses—like

He didn’t like Ft. Worth;

The mountains bored him—oceans, too;

And deserts? Too much sand.

Alaska had just too much ice,

And China too much land.

And so they had some arguments—

Some quite impressive rows—

He couldn’t leave, he said, until

He counted all his cows.

“You don’t have cows!”she yelled at him,

Her anger rich and full.

“And all your dumb excuses are,

I know, a bunch of bull!”

And so she left him for a guy

Who swept her off to Rome,

While he streamed Netflix, waiting for

His cows to come back home. 

Cavalcade of Cliché, 46

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Pinky

He bought his concert tickets, but

He soon was busted—in the clink.

He'd made himself a fool somewhat:

He’d charged the stage and tickled Pink. 

Cavalcade of Cliché, 45

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Himalayan High

He conquered mighty Everest,

But he was something of a dope.

Instead of sitting down to rest,

He eyed the mountain’s slippery slope.

He’d brought his snowboard in his pack,

He put it down, and he got on.

He didn’t really make it back—

The dude was altogether gone. 

But he’s not dead, I’m glad to say,

Though he might really feel regret,

For since that final snowboard day

He’s been a captive yeti-pet. 

Cavalcade of Cliché. 44

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Disbarred

There was always something crazy there

Inside the WhupAss Bar. The fare

Included booze (and smoky air).

But then the patrons went too far—

They torched a Prius (wussy car)—

And so the city razed the bar.

Cavalcade of Cliché, 43

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Mousing Around

“Now, shush! Be quiet as a church mouse”—so

I heard our leader say. Now let’s be frank:

I felt it odd, for we were set to go

Inside, where we had planned to rob the bank.

It’s weird, I think, alluding to a church—

Our leader really does it all the time–-

As you prepare a massive vault to search.

To mention “church” while you commit a crime!

Cavalcade of Cliché. 42

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Missing: Mr. Cake

The CSI team found remains

Beside a lonely lake.

The lab said, “Yes, this femur is

For sure a piece of Cake.”

Cavalcade of Cliché, 41

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Schooled

The old-school teacher had his ways—

With ditto masters and with chalk.

But then came standard testing days—

He got called in to have a talk.

The principal was very clear:

“You must change all of what you do.

You now must test throughout the year—

And scores will help us measure you!”

The teacher said, “You must be mad!

These children are not all alike.

To treat them thus is more than bad.

I think I'm going to take a hike.”

And off he hiked into the gloom

That testing has created here.

For all he saw? Impending doom—

For teachers, kids. He wiped a tear.

Cavalcade of Cliché, 40

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Strung Along

The man stood on the scaffold, where

He all too soon would be dispatched.

He cried aloud into the air:

“You said there’d be no strings attached!”

Cavalcade of Cliché, 39

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Thief of Love

“To make out like a bandit”—makes no sense.

But maybe it’s because I’m very dense.

For would a person really love a thief?

(Someone, I guess, in need of some relief.)

“Your mask is sexy! And your bag so black!

Just put it down—and let’s go hit the sack!”

Impossible! More likely just a scream.

The bandit goes—a leaf upon a stream. 

Cavalcade of Cliché, 38

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Shipping News

“Loose cannon” came from days of ships—

The wooden ones of old.

A cannon loose could crush a guy

When it so wildly rolled.

Clichés, like cannon, can break loose—

In country and in town—

And like those cannon, all clichés

Should really be tied down.

Cavalcade of Cliché, 37

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Into the Woulds

The teacher stopped the lesson, then

Just stared awhile at Could,

A disobedient kid who sat

Beside both Would and Should.

“Why did you punch him in the arm?”

She asked. “It isn’tn good!

I've told you, Could, so many times:

You must not knock on Would!”

Cavalcade of Cliché, 36

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Jury Prize

The bailiff was so sick of them

He gave them all a clout.

The judge asked, “Are they done?” Reply:

“The jury is still out.”

Cavalcade of Cliché, 35

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Carded

He hoped that he’d be chosen to

Become one of the bards

(The poets that the king preferred) …

It wasn’t in the cards.

He’d hoped that he be chosen to

Maintain the royal yards.

The news came from the palace …

It wasn’t in the cards.

He’d hoped that he’d be chosen to

Become one of the guards.

The news came from the palace …

It wasn’t in the cards.

And so our hero grieved a bit,

Then sent the King regards,

And then our hero built a fire

And burned up all the cards. 

Cavalcade of Cliché, 34

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Horsing Around

“Just hold your horses!” Billy said—

And you should do what Billy wants.

The Kid can make you quickly dead—

His bullets answer any taunts.

His life was short (the Kid’s, I mean)—

He lived to be just twenty-one.

And just when things were looking green,

Behind him was Pat Garrett’s gun.

(Buh-bye, Billy!)

Cavalcade of Cliché, 33

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Barely

Woods were deep, remote and scary.

Then he heard a grizzly—“There, Mitt!”

Had no genie/good-lucky fairy—

All Mitt did was grin and bear it.

Nudist came a little later,

Saw remains but didn’t care: It

Was no reason we should hate her—

All she did was grin and bare it. 

Cavalcade of Cliché, 32

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Final Ouch

“You're a fish out of water!” I heard the guy cry.

But fierce Jaws just ignored him, said, “Now you will die!”

And perhaps it was cruel, perhaps not just right,

But I saw Jaws ingest him—it took just one bite.

Cavalcade of Cliché, 31

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Day Dogs

So when Lassie ate Monday and Tuesday as well,

Some resentful old rivals got nervous as hell.

“No, it just isn’t fair!” cried poor Bowser, the gray.

“For I thought we agreed—every dog has his day.”

Cavalcade of Cliché, 30

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Rockers

The Beatles were aboard that day.

And soon the lads began to play.

But when the captain heard the sound,

He almost ran the ship aground.

“The ship,” he cried, “won’t stay afloat!

So, Beatles, please! Don’t rock the boat!”

Cavalcade of Cliché, 29

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Chipper

He was a blockhead—no debate.

He kept it up around the clock.

He had a son we all berate:

He was a chip off the old block.

His neighbors tired of those two jerks—

Their gross behavior, grosser talk.

All reason failed (it rarely works),

And so they tried the chopping block.

Which worked. 

Cavalcade of Cliché, 28

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

 Cold Move on a Deep Lake

Your enemy—he isn’t nice—

Is standing there. Take my advice:

The ice is thin and won’t suffice,

So jump a bit to break the ice.

Cavalcade of Cliché, 27

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.)

Honesty is …

The darkest day of winter—cold!

The current year was very old.

He asked if he could borrow cash.

I nodded, but, not being rash,

I asked a very trusted friend,

“How will this go? How will it end?”

“Oh, splendid—like the sweetest song!

He’s honest as the day is long.”

Cavalcade of Cliché, 26

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.

 Zig-Zaggery

So Robin’s wife annoyed him—she

Incessantly just nagged and nagged.

He notched an arrow carefully …

She should’ve zigged; instead she zagged.

So Mrs. Hood is now no more,

And Robin Hood is on the run.

And not that we are keeping score,

But bullseye! (This is kind of fun!)

Now let’s agree that murder’s bad—

Uxoricide, a heinous crime.

But Robin was a hood—a cad.

And hoods will kill you, every time. 

Cavalcade of Cliché, 25

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.

Banking on It

My birthday gift: a fishing pole,

A plain one—nothing swank.

I got some bait, some waders; then …

I took it to the bank.

The stream, of course, yes, that’s the bank

Where I achieved my wish:

I sat and drank and dozed a bit—

And even caught a fish,

Which I put back (no killer, I),

Then went off to the store,

Where I bought chicken, veal, and pork,

Some sausage, steaks, and more.

Cavalcade of Cliché, 24

(A parade of words and phrases eligible for retirement.

Clubbing

I somehow traveled to the past—

And woke up in a cave,

Where prehistoric women stared

At me. And was I brave?

Oh no. I made some desperate sounds

Like “gorf” and “gork” and “fub.”

Mistake. A man with giant stick

Said, “Welcome to the club.”

I woke up in the ICU,

Relieved that I was safe.

But then I saw my hands were bound,

And had begun to chafe.

The doctor, masked, came in the room;

He held a giant stick,

And now I really wished that I

Were actually sick.

He bonked me on the head again.

But, oh, that was not all:

This was no ICU—It was

The Club Neanderthal.